Confronting my own fear…loss of a loved one

I cannot deal with death, neither can I find a word to say to someone who has lost any loved one. I just feel there is nothing to say that can make any difference and this is why I’m incapable of dealing with anyone who lost someone very dear.

And this is why I will pour all my feelings into today’s column before picking up the phone and calling one of our own to maybe share a few things that I’m sure won’t make a difference to him today but may comfort him when it all sinks in.

Our colleague Muhannad lost his mother two days ago and I once again failed to confront my own fear. I escape the past and I try not to see or talk to any friend who has lost a loved one. I feel their pain and June 2, 2006 comes back to me and it hits bad.It was the day I lost a parent, my father.

I do not believe that telephone calls or any deepest condolences makes any difference. I’ve been through it myself and no calls nor visits by anyone around me could give me anything that could take away the pain in my heart. I had, after all, lost my dad and there was nothing that could be done for me that could take away one percent of the pain I had

When you lose a parent, you can actually literally feel the pain in your backbone and your heart. 

The initial stage is denial and you keep on telling yourself that they have gone somewhere and they are coming back. The first few days you are surrounded by family and friends and what just happened, loss, death, doesn’t sink in. When it does, denial starts. And you miss that person who brought you up. You wouldn’t be in this world without your parent. You are pieces of each other and the emotional attachment we all know is beyond any other. You then start dreaming of the lost loved one and you sleep more because that’s the only time you can feel they still exist, it’s the only place where you can embrace them and cry. 

Then you realise it’s your subconscious and the person is gone for good. You go through grief for a very long time. You then go through so much anger and pain and eventually you start accepting death. Accepting doesn’t mean being fine with it. It just helps you move on and you can never imagine how much strength you can have. 

This is what happens to your life. A single death can transform your life, especially if the death is of a mother or father, whether the relationship was close or distant, warm or cold.

It doesn’t even matter how old you are, or how old your parent was at the time of death because death of a parent is life altering. 

Anyone who has lost a mother or father knows this, parental death is a milestone of adult life.

And it will always remain to be the most heart breaking milestone.

My colleague. Muhannad…May God Rest Your Mums soul in eternal peace.